A skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. "Where's our nearest bowl?". "In yer ******* hand!", answered the skip. The third, having just delivered his bowl, collapses on his way back to the head. The other rink members shout down to the skip just as he is about to let go of his bowl. The skip has a look and responds with "It's OK, I can draw around him!"
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Lead: "How much am I short?"
Skip: "You ought to know, you're closer to it" Historical evidence has been found indicating that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, the Swiss Bowling League records were not amongst the find. Historical experts now believe that we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score and won't listen
Make them skip. |
They beat their breasts and cried out loud, as they faced the northern wall, Where'd been placed the team selections, on the notice board was their call. There were some that swore and some that cried, and some who stood and muttered, Some were proud, some showed joy, and others merely stuttered. There were voices raised in anger, shrill screams split the air, There were those who didn't say a thing, because they really didn't care. "I won't play with him", one said, "He's a bloody hopeless skip". Another said "I'm down as three, how can I measure with my hip". There were many self selections, there were lots of "bloody hells!" But there weren't very many, who said the Selectors had done well. Leads must be up. Thirds must measure up. Seconds must chalk up. Skips must shut up.
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"How was your bowling game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was bowling well but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the bowl went." "But you're seventy-five years old Jack" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even bowl anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack. "Did you see it?" asked Jack. "Yes," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering up the green. "I forgot." replied Scott |
Four bowlers were out on the Green practicing.
As one of them was about to bowl, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, one of the others said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!" Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer. He said, "I have good news and bad news". Pat said, "Tell me the good news first". The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven". "What's the bad news ?", said Pat. The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday" |
A native approached the cannibals meat shop, where the special of the day was 'Bowlers Brains'.
These were priced from £1, £2, £3 and £10. The price difference puzzled the customer and so it was pointed out that, brains at £1 belonged to bowlers who had been leads, the £2 ones to those who had been seconds and the £3 ones to those who had been thirds. Of course the brains marked at £10 belonged to the bowlers who had been skips. When questioned about the unexpectedly high price put on skips brains the Shopkeeper explained, 'Well, they're really very rare, you wouldn't believe how many skips we have to kill before we actually find one with a brain'. Three retirees, each with some hearing loss, were playing lawn bowls one fine March day in the Algarve.
One remarked to the other: "Windy, isn't it?" The second replied: "No, it's Thursday." And the third chimed in with: "So am I ... let's gave a beer!" |
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up", she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went and had a game of bowls. Two old bowlers were having a drink and a chat at the bar after their game.
"You certainly played well today. How does it really feel to be 84 years old?" "Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I've just wet myself". A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP
"We buy, sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories .... Why not bring along your wife or husband and get a wonderful bargain!" |
A guy who owned a bar won the lottery and to thank his customers he sold all drinks for 20 pence. Two guys walk in and each orders a beer. "That's 20 pence each", says the bar owner. "20 pence! I can't believe it." says one of the customers. So the bar owner explains why he does this. Anyway, the two guys order a couple of more rounds: double scotch on the rocks each and then brandy. Each time it's just a 20 pence a drink. As they're drinking their third drinks, they notice three people at the opposite end of the bar and they're not drinking anything. They're just sitting there, chatting. One of the customers leans over to the bar owner and says, "What's with those guys? How come they're not drinking?" Oh, they're lawn bowlers." answers the bar owner. "They're waiting for happy hour." |